Wacky Adventures of Snape, Minerva, and Dumbledore
by MaryAnne der Esel
Summary: This is a never ending story about the wacky adventures of Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore. Yay! More chapters!
1. Voldemort Takes Over the World

Voldemort Takes Over the World  
  
[MeatLoaf's Note: There are supposed to be spelling mistakes in here because in my personal opinion, spelling mistakes are funny. So don't flame me for the spelling or grammar mistakes.]  
  
One day, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore were watching TV in the staff room.  
"I love you, you love me," said Barney on the TV, "We're a happy family!"   
Then an announcer came on the TV and said: "Our regularly scheduled program has been canceled so we can show you this very important news thing."  
"What!" said Snape, "Kiwi Fruit! Me want 2 watch Barney!"  
Then Snape looked back at the TV and saw a man with long black hair standing in front of a big, important-looking buildng. The man said: "Yo! We are now going to pick a new president of the world. Here are your candidates: Lord Vold-I mean, You-know-who, The Brain, Bill Gates, Al Gore and some guy named Captain Nemo."  
"Dude!" said Professor McGonagall, "I want to vote for the bag of Doritos!"  
"Hey!" said Dumbledore, "Their ain't no bag a Doritos running fer prezidunt of da world!"  
"Yes there is and he's dangerously cheesy!" said McGonagall.  
"That don't make no cents!" said Dumbledore, "Doritos ain't dangerously cheesy, Fritos are!"  
"Kiwi Fruit! You is both rong! Cheese is dangerously cheesy!"  
"HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!" said Dumbledore! "That ain't possible b/c cheese ain't cheesy! C'mon, it's cheese fir crying out loud!"  
"HaHaHaHa!" said McGonagall, "That is the stupidest thing I ever herd! What was u thinking? ...Cheese...cheesy...thats stupid."  
Now they watched the TV again and the man on the TV screen said: "Now the presidential candidates will give their speeches. First up is You-Know-Who."  
"Hello everybody! You should vote for me because if you don't, I'll come to your house and kill you!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Vote for me." Said Voldemort.  
"He said the name!" cried Snape.  
"Big stinkin' deel." Said Dumbledore.  
"Now the Brain will give his speech." Said the guy on TV.  
Pinky and the Brain walk onto the stage.  
"Greetings citizens of Earth." Said Brain.  
"If you elect him," said Pinky, "He'll be the president of the World! Narf."  
"Go away Pinky, I'm trying to give a speech!" said the Brain.  
"Point! I thought you wanted me to help you. Zoink!" said Pinky.  
"Very well. If you want to help, you can go to Chick-fil-A and get me a 12-piece chicken nugget combo." Said the Brain.  
"Ok!" said Pinky, "Narf!"  
Pinky walks to Chick-fil-A.  
"If you elect me," said The Brain, "I will tell everyone to jump of a cliff. All the people who are smart enough to stay in their homes will help me build a space-ship and we will fly off into space and explore new planets."  
Then the Brain walks away.  
"Me think mouse was confusing." Said Dumbledore.  
"Me 2." Said Snape "Me no vote 4 him."   
"Now Bill Gates will give his speech."  
Bill Gates walks onto the stage.  
"Hello Everybody!" said Bill Gates.  
"Hello Bill Gates!" said Everybody in the World.  
"You should vote for me because I have a lot of money. And I own the Windows company thing, I think.  
"Wow! A window!" said McGonagall in amazement.  
"Me wishing there was a window hear." Said Dumbledore.  
"Me 2." Said Snape.  
"Now Al gore will give his speech."  
"Hi! I'm Al Gore! Vote for me because I want to rule the world and it's the right thing to do." said Al Gore.  
"Now that Captain Nemo guy will give his speech.  
"Hello! I'm Captain Nemo! I have a giant submarine! It's really big and I call it the Nautilus! You should vote for me because I have a submarine!"  
Then Captain Nemo walked stupidly off the stage singing "WE ALL LIVE ON A YELLOW SUBMARINE!!! A YELLOW SUBMARINE!! As loud as he could ands then runs into a wall.  
"Riiiiight..."said the Guy on TV "Now it's time for you to cast your vote. If you want to vote, pick up your phone now."  
"Me want 2 vote! Me pick up fone!" said Professor McGonagall.  
Then Professor McGonagall picked up the phone.  
"If you want to vote for Lord Voldemort-  
"Aaahhhh!" said Professor McGonagall.  
"press 1...now. If you want to vote for the Brain, press 2...now  
"Ooohhh, the confusing mouse." Said Professor McGonagall.  
"If you want to vote for Bill Gates-  
"The window guy!"  
"press 3...now. If you want to vote for Al Gore, press 4...now. If you want to vote for Captain Nemo, press 5...now. We will be back with the results in five minutes."  
"...What about the bag of Doritos?!?!" asked Professor McGonagall.  
"You stupid!" yelled Dumbledore, "You can't vote for a bag of dangerously cheesy Doritos, it wasn't one of the candidates!"  
"So?" asked Professor McGonagall.  
"Can I watch Barney now?" asked Snape.  
"No!!!" yelled Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall.  
"I need 2 know what 2 press for the bag of Doritos!" yelled Professor McGonagall as she angrily shook the phone up and down.  
Snape thought about this for a moment and said: "22!!!! You press 22 to vote for the bag of Doritos!"  
"Wow! You're a genius, Snape!" said McGonagall. She quickly found the 22 button on the phone and pressed it again and again and again and again...  
  
5 minutes later...  
  
"We're back with the results of the vote." Said the guy on the TV.  
"Doritos...Doritos...Doritos..." said Professor McGonagall as she crossed her fingers.  
"And the winner is...the Brai-wait no... it's a bag of dangerously cheesy Doritos!"  
"Yay! The bag of Doritos won!" yelled Professor McGonagall.  
"I don't need to win this election to rule the world" said Voldemort "I can just come and kill you all! BWAHAHAHA!!!!"  
"What are we going to do tonight, Brain." Asked Pinky as he took a bite out of a Chick-fil-A sandwich.  
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"  
"I still have all my money!" said Bill Gates. "And a window!"  
"I want a recount!" said Al Gore.  
"Uh...no?" said Captain Nemo as he climbed aboard his submarine and then ran into a wall.  
Then Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore dragged Snape (who wanted to stay home and watch Barney) into the car and they drove off to celebrate at the Coyote Café.  



	2. Dangerously Cheesy Doritos the Coyote Ca...

Dangerously Cheesy Doritos at the Coyote Café  
By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey  
  
[MeatLoaf's Note: The Coyote Café is an actual Mexican restaurant that I go to a lot. This story takes place at night.]  
  
"I want to watch Barney!" yelled Snape.  
Snape, Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore where on their way to the Coyote Café to celebrate the results of the election.  
"You should have said something before we left." said McGonagall as she turned up the radio. "Oh! I love this song! We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine..."  
"Watch out for that wall!" said Snape.  
Professor McGonagall tried to swerve out of the way, but it was too late. Their purple pick-up truck crashed into a wall. But luckily, it was the wall to the Coyote Café so they went inside and decided to deal with the truck later. As soon as they walked in, they saw a long line of people waiting to be seated.  
"So many people!" said McGongall.  
"We'll never get a seat!" said Dumbledore.  
"Get down with you bad self!" said Snape as he picked his nose.  
"Riiiight." Said McGonagall.  
"I think the line's moving!" yelled Dumbledore.  
Sure enough, as soon as the words left his mouth, everyone in the line ran away. Then Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore walked up to the register.  
"Helloimstephanieandwelcometothecoyotecafehowmayihelpyou?" asked the young girl standing behind the counter.  
"Uh...no?" said Snape.  
"SinceAllOfOurTablesAreFilledYouHaveToTakeALittleMoonShapedPieceOfPaperWithANumberOnItAndWhenWeCallOutYourNumberThatMeansThere'sASeatThatYouCanHave. Ya get it? Good! Now go sit down at that bench over there and wait.  
Snape walked slowly over to the bench and sat down next to Dumbledore and McGonagall. Snape just sat there concentrating on the little blue moon; trying to figure out what it said.  
"...Our...number...is.......356." said Snape. All those years of playing the Phonics Game had finally paid off.  
"Now serving number 3!" said the young girl behind the counter. "Who's number three? Serving number three! Three! Three! Three! Nobody's number three? Ok then, now serving number 4! Who's number 4? Serving number 4!..."  
"Uh oh..." said McGonagall.  
  
2 hours later...  
  
"Now serving number 355! Who's number 355?..." said the girl in an unusually loud voice.  
All thee screaming and yelling had woken up Snape, McGonagall and Dunbledore. McGonagall had only been asleep for a few minutes because she had fallen asleep at number 320. Dumbledore dozed off at 250, but poor Snape only made it to 23.  
"Now serving number 356! Who's 356?-"  
"We are! We are!" said Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore as they ran up to the counter. Actually, only McGonagall and Dumbledore ran. Snape crawled because he was still half asleep.  
"Where's our seat?" asked Dumbledore as he watched Snape drool on the counter because he was asleep.  
"Your table's outside! Aren't you lucky? You get to listen to the live band outside!" said the girl behind the counter.  
"Cool!" said McGonagall.  
"Wicked!" said Dumbledore.  
"...Barney..." said Snape in a sleepy daze.  
Then the girl led Dumbledore and Mcgonagall (Who was carrying Snape who was asleep at the time) to the outside patio. The walls surrounding the patio were painted with a picture of the desert at night. The band was in the corner and there was a beer bar across from it. Dumbledore sat down at a table close to the door that led inside. Then McGonagall placed Snape in a chair and at between him and Dumbledore.  
"Barney..." said Snape.  
"I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order." Said the girl who used to be behind the counter.  
"My order..." said Snape in his sleep. "Not your order. My order. You can't have it...."  
"SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN!!!" yelled McGonagall.  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH" said Snape.  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH" said Dumbledore.  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH" said McGonagall.  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH" said a guy somewhere in Asia.  
"Hey!" said Snape "The band is the Beatles!"  
Everybody looked at the band. Sure enough, they were the Beatles and they were playing the yellow submarine song.  
"WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!!! A YELLOW SUBMARINE!!! A YELLOW SUBMARINE!!!!" sang the Beatles and somewhere in Asia, a wall fell down.  
"I wonder if they do requests." Said Snape.  
Snape got up and went over to the band.  
"Hey Beatles!" said Snape.  
"What?" said the Beatles.  
"Could you play the Barney song for me?" asked Snape.  
"Um...Ok." Said the Beatles. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too."  
"Yay! Barney! Barney! Barney!" yelled Snape as he went back to his seat.  
Then the lady that used to be behind the counter came back to take their order.  
"First of all," said the lady, "How old are ya'll?"  
"I'm 70," said Mcgonagall, "Dumbledore's 156 and Snape acts like he's 5."  
"Cool! Senior citizens and children under 10 eat free here! Ya'll don't have to pay!" said the lady, "What do you guys want to drink?"  
"I want a coke." Said McGonagall.  
"I want lemonade." Said Dumbledore.  
"I want my bottle of milk and my binkies!" said Snape.  
"Um...sir?" said the lady, "We don't serve pacifiers here."  
"Me want my binkies!" yelled Snape as he slammed his fists on the table. "And while you're at it, get me a high chair."  
"Um...ok." Said the lady. "What do ya'll want to eat?"  
"I want a beef enchilada." Said McGonagall.  
"I want a bean burrito and rice." Said Dumbledore.  
"Goo goo ga ga!" said Snape. "I'm the baby! Gotta love me!"  
"I'll order for him." Said McGonagall. "He wants a beef taco and some French fries. Put it all in a blender so it looks like baby food because I don't think he'll eat anything else..."  
"Riiiight...I'll do that. Your food will be ready in a few minutes." Said the lady. Then she went back inside.  
"Hey, Minerva," said Dumbledore, "I'm going to go get a beer. You stay here and make sure Snape doesn't do anything stupid."  
Then Dumbledore got up and went over to the beer bar.  
"Minnie! Read me a story!" said Snape as he whacked McGonagall on the head with a copy of "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss.  
McGonagall angrily snatched the book out of Snape's hands and turned to a random page and began reading.  
"I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham." Said McGonagall in a monotone voice.  
"Goo goo ga ga! Read more!" said Snape.  
"Somebody help me!" yelled McGonagall.  
  
Meanwhile at the beer bar...  
  
Dumbledore was drinking beer and talking to some fat guy.  
"I come from the land down under." Said the fat guy with an English accent.  
"Are you sure? You sound like you're from England..." said Dumbledore.  
"Me no speak your language." Said the fat guy.  
"Then how were you able to talk to me for the past 15 minutes?" asked Dumbledore.  
"Uh...no?" said the fat guy.  
"Anyway," said Dumbledore, "I'd better be getting back to my table before my food comes. Bye."  
"Adios!" said the fat guy.  
"Riiiiight..." said Dumbledore as he walked back to the table and sat down.  
Snape was laughing uncontrollably and McGonagall was trying to knock herself unconscious with the green eggs and ham book.  
"Minnie funny! HaHaHa!" said Snape.  
Then the lady that used to be behind the bar came out with the food.  
"Here's your high chair, your pacifiers, your bottle of milk and your blender-fied beef taco with French fries." Said the Lady that Used to be Behind the Counter as she handed that stuff to Snape.  
"Binkies!" said Snape as he started to suck on his pacifiers.  
"Here's your beef enchilada and your coke, Madam." Said The Lady.  
"Thank you." Said McGonagall.  
"And here's your bean burrito and lemonade, Sir." Said The Lady.  
"Thanks." Said Dumbledore.  
Then the Lady left.  
"Somebody gotta feed me." Said Snape in a whiney voice.  
"Um...I have to go to the bathroom all of the sudden. Um...bye." Said Dumbledore as he got up and ran through the door.  
"You can't leave me all alone with...him" said McGonagall. She turned and looked at Snape. He had a sheepish grin. Milk was in his hair and beef taco goop was hanging from his goatee. McGonagall almost barfed as she held Snap in her arms and started bottle-feeding him.  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
"I can't find the bathroom. Oh well. I'll hold it." Said Dumbledore as he walked outside and back to the table.  
McGonagall patted Snape on the back and he let out the loudest burp that anyone has ever heard. Then she shoved Snape back into his own seat and began to eat her own food.  
"Dumblydore is back!" yelled Snape.  
"Hello, Severus." Said Dumbledore as he ate his food.  
A few minutes later, McGonagall and Dumbledore finished their food.  
"Can we go back to Hogwarts now? Me tired." Said Snape.  
"We should be heading back home now. It's almost..." said McGonagall as she glanced at her watch, "11:00! It's way past your bed time!"  
So Severus, Minerva and Dumbledore got up and went outside.  
"Dude! Where's my car?" screamed Minerva.  
"It got smashed into a wall, remember?" said Dumbledore.  
"Me want to watch Barney!" yelled Severus.  
  
[A cliffhanger. Don't worry, I'm writing the sequel right now.]  



	3. Captain Nemo Lives on a Yellow Submarine...

Captain Nemo Lives on a Yellow Submarine! Part 1  
By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey  
  
[MeatLoaf's Note: Remember that Professor McGonagall crashed the pick-up truck so now everybody's trying to think of a way to get home. Also it helps A LOT if you've read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne because this chapter is sort of a parody of it. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is my favorite book (Yes, I like it even more than Harry Potter) so I don't really know why I'm making fun of it. And I do realize that Snape, Minerva, and Dumbldore don't live in America, but for the sake of this story, they do. Ok?]  
  
"How the heck are we going to get home?" said Minerva.  
"Me scared!" yelled Snape as he started crying.  
"Great." said Minerva in a sarcastic voice.  
Suddenly, a big black car drove up to them and two men wearing black suits stepped out.  
"Greetings." Said one of the men. "You three have been chosen by the government to help in a very special project."  
"Do you work for the MIB?" asked Severus.  
"No, actually we don't." said one of the men. "Now get in the car and nobody gets hurt."  
"Ok. We've got no where else to go so we might as well come with you." Said Dumbledore.  
"Good." Said the man.  
So everybody got into the car and they drove all the way to Cape Canaveral. Then they got out and the men who were wearing black suits led Snape, Minerva and Dumbledore to a the president's office. The president was sitting in a chair and the back of the chair was facing everybody else, just like in the movies.  
"They're here, Mr. President." said one of the men.  
"Groovy!" said the President as he turned the chair around.  
"Al Gore???" yelled Minerva, "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Washington DC? I thought George Bush was the president!"  
"George Bush was the president, but then he quit." Said Al Gore.  
"I thought George Washington was the president." Said Snape stupidly.  
"Um..." said Al Gore, "A little behind the times, isn't he?"  
"Yeah." Said Minerva, "But why are you here."  
"I decided to move here because Washington DC got too boring for me. And the White House is too big. Now I live in a trailer. But that's not the point. You and your friends are here because I picked you to help fight a giant fish that's been terrorizing boats all over the ocean. Can you help me do that?"  
"Sure, but what's in it for me?" asked Minerva.  
"If you catch the fish, I'll give you the three things. They can be whatever you want." Said Al Gore.  
"Really? Even a giant house?" asked Minerva.  
"Yes."  
"What about a zebra?"  
"You can get a zebra."  
"Will you give me the state of Kentucky?"  
"If you catch the fish."  
"I'll catch the fish for you!" yelled Minerva. "But I just have one question: Of all the people in this country, why did you pick us?"  
"Because you have funny names! HA!" laughed Al Gore.  
Snape, Minerva, and Dumbledore stared at each other uneasily as they watched Al Gore laugh at them for several minutes.  
"Now I'll take you and your friends to the boat that you'll be in when you catch the fish." Said Al Gore.  
Al Gore took Minerva, Snape and Dumbledore to the ocean where a small, brown row boat was waiting for them.  
"The ship is called the Richard Nixon." Said Al Gore.  
"I wouldn't call that a ship." Said Dumbledore.  
"Why is it called the Richard Nixon?" asked Minerva.  
"Because all the good names like "Titanic" were taken." Explained Al Gore.  
"I wouldn't call "Titanic" a good name." Said Dumbldore.  
"I thought George Washington was the president." Said Snape stupidly.  
"He is." Said Dumbledore sarcastically, "And magic mushrooms have taken over the fridge."  
"Really? Cool! I wanna see!" yelled Snape as he jumped up and down with excitement.  
Minerva let out a sigh of self-pity.  
"Now you have to get into the boat." Said Al Gore.  
Everybody did as they were told.  
"Don't we get any supplies?" asked Minerva.  
"Oh yeah!" said Al Gore as he tossed a little red box to Minerva. "Here you go."  
"Is that going to be enough?" asked Dumbledore.  
But Al Gore untied the rope that was holding the boat to the dock and the boat floated away before he could answer.  
"I have a bad feeling about this." Said Minerva.  
"Me too." Said Dumbledore.  
"What are we looking for again?" asked Snape stupidly.  
"The giant fish." Said Dumbledore.  
"Oh yeah." Said Snape. "Who's gonna row the boat?"  
"Not me!" yelled Dumbledore.  
"Not me!" yelled Minerva.  
"Not the vacuum!" yelled Snape.  
"I don't trust him with the oars." Said Dumbledore.  
"Me neither." Said Minerva. "I guess you and I will have to row the boat."  
"Yeah." Said Dumbledore as he picked up an oar and started rowing.  
  
20 minutes later...  
  
"Oh!" cried Snape. "I'm soooooooo tired 'cause I've been working all day!"  
"WHAT???" screamed Minerva. "You haven't done a single darn thing except sit there and moan!"  
Snape obviously didn't hear this because he just kept on complaining.  
"So hungry....so very hungry." Whispered Snape. "I'm going to open up the supply box and see what we have to eat."  
Snape reached over Dumbledore and grabbed the box. Then he opened it up and poured its contents onto the bottom of the boat.  
"Let's see, we have a banana, a fork, two combs and a...paperclip?" said Snape.  
"That can't be good." Said Dumbledore.  
"WE'RE GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH!!!!!!!" screamed Minerva.  
Then professor McGonagall buried her face in her hands and cried loudly.  
"I don't wanna die!" screamed Minerva.  
"Hey look everybody!" said Snape happily as he picked up a small index card. "Al Gore left a note!"  
Minerva suddenly stopped crying and said: "Read it!"  
"Ok." Said Snape. "It says:  
  
Dear Dumbledore, Minerva and Snape,  
You have been chosen to hunt down  
and kill a giant fish that has been terrorizing  
ships all across the ocean.  
I want you to straighten out thepaperclip  
and when you see the fish, harpoon it.  
Good Luck,  
Al Gore  
P.S. Nobody has ever actually seen the fish,  
but after consulting a Magic-8 Ball we discovered  
the it is purple, is two feet long and weighs 48  
pounds.  
  
A minute of silence followed.  
"I can't believe he wants us to harpoon a fish with a straightened out paperclip." Said Snape.  
Suddenly, something hit the boat, causing it to flip over and toss everyone on board into the murky depths of the ocean.  
"You're right Minerva, we really are going to die." Said Dumbledore.  
"I'm too young to die!" screamed Minerva as she splashed around in the water.  
"Not really. You're what? 70 years old?" said Snape.  
"I'm young compared to Dumbledore." Said Minerva.  
"EVERYONE is young compared to Dumbledore." Said Snape.  
"Hey!" said Dumbledore, "I heard that!"  
"That's not important right now!" said Minerva "We have to find a boat or something so we don't drown!"  
"Hey, I think I found land!"  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, maybe I own the paperclip, but that's it. JKR owns Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore and some movie company own Men in Black. And Al Gore belongs to himself and Kentucky belongs to either the president or the people who live in Kentucky.  
  
[MeatLoaf's Note: Anybody who has read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea knows what will happen next!]  
  



	4. Hola! Me llamo Hans!

Captain Nemo Lives on a Yellow Submarine: Part 2

Captain Nemo Lives on a Yellow Submarine: Part 2

[MeatLoaf's Note: Al Gore told Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall to go out in a little boat to kill a fish that has been terrorizing the Atlantic Ocean. But something turned the boat over so now they are floating out in the middle of the ocean.]

"Hey! I think I found land!" said Snape.

"Me too!" said Dumbledore.

"What?" cried Minerva. "Are you guys delusional? We're out in the middle of the ocean? How can there be land?"

"Come over here and see!" said Snape. "It's land."

McGonagall swam over to Severus and Dumbledore.

"Wow!" said Minerva as she stomped here foot on the hard surface beneath her. "It really is land! But it's so metallic, and…yellow?"

Everyone looked down at the thing they were standing on. Suddenly, it started to rise.

"Ahhh!" yelled Dumbledore. "IT'S ALIVE!!!"

Before anyone could jump off, a little trap door opened and a captain guy popped out.

"Hello Everybody!" said the guy. "I'm Captain Nemo and this is my yellow submarine!"

"Wow! Captain Nemo lives on a yellow submarine!" said Snape.

"Exactly." Said Captain Nemo. "But the question is, why are YOU on my yellow submarine?"

"Some guy told us to harpoon a fish that was terrorizing the ships." Said McGonagall "And somehow we found your submarine."

"They must have thought that my submarine was a fish because I go around the ocean and sink ships." Said Captain Nemo.

"Why?" asked Snape.

Captain Nemo thought for a minute.

"It's none of your business!" said Captain Nemo. "Now come into the submarine and I'll show you around."

So everyone went inside the submarine. Captain Nemo led them to a little room with a big screen TV, a sofa and a mini-fridge.

"Since there really isn't anything else to do on this submarine," said Captain Nemo, "you can stay here and watch my home movies!"

Captain Nemo took a video off of a shelf and popped it into the VCR. Then he turned on the TV and turned to channel 3. A picture of Captain Nemo appeared on the screen and he was eating ice cream at the kitchen table.

"This is me eating ice cream." Said Captain Nemo, the one that wasn't on TV.

A few minutes later, Captain Nemo fast-forwarded the tape. A picture of 3-year-old Captain Nemo shaking a big green box appeared on the screen.

"This is me trying to figure out what mommy got me for Christmas." Said Captain Nemo. "Now let's watch the tape about my 5th birthday!"

7 hours later…

"Now let's watch the tape I made when my cousin's dog swallowed a flash light!" said Captain Nemo.

Captain Nemo turned around and saw that Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall were asleep on the couch.

"Wake up everybody!" cried Captain Nemo.

Everyone on the couch jumped up.

"It's time for dinner!" said Captain Nemo happily.

Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore followed Captain Nemo into a little room with a big wooden table in the center. Pictures of Captain Nemo covered the blue walls. Everyone sat down at the table.

A few minutes later, 4 men walked in carrying plated filled with food. One of the men was very tall and had bushy orange hair. He was wearing blue jeans and a plaid shirt and he looked like a woodsman. The other man was very skinny and his black hair was neatly combed. And the last guy was a professor guy who looked like Einstein.

The men placed the plates on the table and sat down. The 4th guy looked really stoopid and he wuz wearing a sombrero.

"Hello Ned! Hello Conseil! Hello Professor! Hello Hans!" said Captain Nemo. "What are we going to eat for dinner?"

"Squid!" said Ned.

"Bonjour!" said Mr. Professor. He couldn't speak English.

"Hello!" said Snape.

"Bonjour!" said Mr. Professor.

"Hello!

"Bonjour!

"Hello!

"Bonjour!

"Hola!" said Hans stupidly.

Snape and Mr. Professor stared at Hans.

"Hola!"

"Hello!"

"Bonjour!"

"Hola!"

"Hello!"

"Bonjour!"

"STOP IT!!!!!" screamed Captain Nemo. "Let's just eat dinner for crying out loud!!!!!"

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence. After everyone had eaten, Snape, Minerva, Dumbledore, Hans, Captain Nemo, Ned, Conseil, and Professor Aronnax went back on the couch and fell asleep while watching some more home videos.

The next day…

Everyone woke up when Hans started snoring.

"Hans!" screamed Minerva as she hit him with a pillow. "You were snoring AGAIN!!!"

"No hablo English." Said Hans.

"You were snoring!" said Minerva.

"No comprendo." Said Hans.

"Snore! Do you understand???? SNORE!!!" said Minerva.

"¡No hablo inglés! ¿Comprendas? ¡No hablo!" said Hans.

"Captain Nemo, what's he saying?" asked Minerva.

"I have no idea." Said Captain Nemo. "I've been trying to figure that out for years. When you two are done fighting, we can go visit Atlantis, if you want."

"COOL!!!" said Snape.

"Wow!" said Everybody else.

"¡Hola!" said Hans.

[MeatLoaf's Note: This part of the fanfic is longer than I expected it would be.]


	5. Atlantis: The Theme Park

Captain Nemo Lives on a Yellow Submarine: Part 3

Captain Nemo Lives on a Yellow Submarine: Part 3

By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey

[MeatLoaf's Note: There are a lot of characters in this chapter. Just so you don't forget, I'll tell you right now: Snape, Dumbledore, Minerva, Captain Nemo, Ned Land, Professor Aronnax, Conseil, and Hans.]

"When I was looking through the Nautilus' library," said Captain Nemo to the large group of people standing around him. "I found a weird looking book called the Shepherd's book. It tells all about Atlantis and how to get there. Since Hans is the only one on this ship who can speak the language this book is written in, he's going to take us to Atlantis!"

"Hola?" asked Hans. His huge buck teeth seemed to move a little bit as he said this.

"Of course you're going to take us there, Hans!" said Captain Nemo .

"Hola hola hola?" asked Hans.

"Of course I'll hold your maracas for you while you look at the book!" said Captain Nemo.

Captain Nemo took the brightly colored maracas and handed the book to Hans.

"Gracias." Said Hans.

"You're welcome." Said Captain Nemo.

Hans stood there reading the Shepherd's Book while Captain Nemo started dancing around while shaking the maracas and singing "Duke of Earl".

"Wait a minute!" yelled Ned. "I thought Captain Nemo said he couldn't Speak Spanish so how in the world did he just understand what Hans said???"

"For the same reason why he died of old age in a book called The Mysterious Island that took place in 1865 and yet was somehow only about 35-40 years old in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea which took place in 1868." Said Professor McGonagall.

"Oh!" said Ned. "I totally get that!"

"I didn't know Hans could read." Said Snape.

"Hola!" said Hans.

Captain Nemo immediately stopped dancing and said "You're right Hans, we should go to Atlantis now."

"What is Atlantis?" asked Snape.

"Hola." Said Hans.

"HaHaHaHaHa!" said Captain Nemo. "Don't be silly, Hans. Everyone knows that Atlantis isn't a lost civilization, it's a theme park!"

"Like Disneyland?" asked Snape.

"Yeah!" said Captain Nemo.

"That would actually explain a lot." Said Minerva.

Then everyone went to the front of the submarine and watched Hans steer it. After about 15 minutes, they started to hear strange sounds.

"Hey!" said Professor Aronnax. "I think I hear a whale!

"I think I hear a hoo!" said Horton.

"A WHALE! A WHALE! LET ME HARPOON IT!!!" screamed Ned as he brandished a harpoon.

"Oooohhhh….shiny." said Snape.

Conseil, Ned, and Professor Aronnax ran to the submarine window.

"Let me harpoon it! Let me harpoon it!" screamed Ned angrily as he whacked the window trying to get at the whale.

"No!" yelled Professor McGonagall as she tried to get the harpoon away from Ned. "We can't kill the whales! We have to shave them! Shave the whales!"

"Hola!" said Hans merrily as he steered the submarine into a big tunnel away from the whale.

"Now look what you did, Minerva!" yelled Ned furiously. "You scared away the whale so I didn't get to harpoon it!"

"We have to shave the whales, not kill them!" said Minerva.

"You two can be quiet now because we're at Atlantis!" said Captain Nemo.

"Ooooohhhhhh!" said Minerva.

Then everyone went off the submarine, crossed a bridge, and came to an island covered with ancient ruins and beautiful waterfalls. There were people walking around on the island.

"Lookie!" said Snape stupidly as he pointed at the Atlantis people. "Sea gulls!"

"Let's feed them!" said Minerva.

"Hola!" said Hans.

Hans pulled a leftover burrito that he got from a restaurant called "On the Border". He gave part of it to Snape, part of it to McGonagall, and kept part of it for himself and then the trio began pelting the natives with food. The Atlanteans obviously didn't like this because they dragged them off (along with Captain Nemo, the professor, and everyone else) to the home of their king. The King was sitting on some kind of sofa in front of a tiny pond surrounded by four pillars. There was a very large blanket spread over those 4 pillars and it formed some kind of cheap roof.

"Blankie!" yelled Snape as he jumped up in the air as he attempted, in vain, to touch the 'roof'. "They stole my blankie!"

"Dude!" said Dumbledore. "That's not your blanket! Your blanket's in the trunk of the car!"

"What car???" asked Snape.

"The car we crashed into the side of the Coyote Café." Replied Dumbledore.

"Oh yeah." Said Snape.

In order to get the groups attention, the king gave a pretend cough.

"Some one call 911!" screamed Snape. "The old guy is dying!!!"

Snape ran up to the king and did CPR; all the while screaming "Live, dang it, live!"

"What the heck???" screamed the king. "Someone get this crazy freak off of me!"

The king shoved Snape away and stood up.

"Noooooooo!!!" screamed Snape dramatically. "We're too late!"

Then Snape sat down and began to cry uncontrollably.

"Um……?" said Captain Nemo.

"Who are you people and why are you here?" asked the King.

"Aaahhh!" screamed Snape dramatically. "He has amnesia!"

"Shut up, will ya?" said Minerva.

"Anyway," continued the King. "Why are you here?"

"I don't remember." Said Captain Nemo.

"I sure don't." said Dumbledore.

"Neither do I." Said Ned.

"Bonjour!" said The Professor even though he meant to say "no".

"Hola!" said Hans.

"I agree with the Professor." Said Conseil.

"Ditto." Said Minerva.

"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!" screamed Snape.

"Shut up, will ya?" said Minerva again.

"Well," said the King. "You don't seem to dangerous so I am going to let my daughter, Kida, take you on a tour of Atlantis but then you have to go back to where ever you came from. Ok?"

"Sure." Said Captain Nemo.

Suddenly, Princess Kida walked in.

"Hi! I'm tour guide Barbie!" said Kida.

"¿Qué?" said Hans. "¡Tú eres loco!"

"Psyche!" said Kida. "I'm Miss Information! Now everybody get in a line behind me and I'll take you for a ride on an invisible bus! And we're walking we're walking and to the right, we can see the King of Atlantis!"

The King waved at the people.

"Hey, Hans?" said Snape.

"¿Qué?" asked Hans.

"If you were driving a bus," said Snape, "and you picked up 3 people on the first stop, 5 people on the 2nd stop, dropped of 2 people on the 3rd stop, picked up twice as many people on the 4th stop than you did on the 1st stop, then dropped of 2 people, who's driving the bus?"

"¿Yo?" answered Hans.

"Wrong!!" said Snape. "You're driving the bus! HaHaHaHaHaHa! I can't believe you fell for that one! Ha!"

"Grrrrrr……" said Hans angrily.

"And we're walking we're walking and to the left, we see a strange guy holding some flowers and a leash!"

"Hi Vinny!" said Captain Nemo.

"Hey. 'sup?" said Vinny. "Hey! Can someone help me find a sheep who can read? Preferably a Viking sheep?"

"Uh……" said Kida. "And we're walking we're walking and right in front of you, you can see me ignoring the crazy sheep guy! And on the right, you can see some illiterate poverty-stricken children playing in the mud!"

Hans, Snape, and Minerva began to throw bits of rice at the children. Then the children threw clay marbles at Snape.

"Aaaahhhhh!!!" screamed Snape as he cowered in fear. "Help me! They're killing me! Aaahhhh!!!"

"Oh, be quiet. They're just little kids. Ow!" said Minerva when a clay marble hit her on the head.

"Yeah." Said Snape. "Little kids armed with clay marbles of demise y muerto!"

"What in the world?" said Minerva who was half angry and half confused. "You're stupid!"

"I'm not stupid!" yelled Snape. "My mind is like lightning!"

"One bright flash and it's gone!" yelled McGonagall.

"Ha! You just read that off of that guy's shirt!" said Snape as he pointed to an 8th grader who was stroking the invisible cat that he was holding.

"Puurrrrrrrrr……" said the guy. "STAY BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE PLEASE!!!"

"This place scares me." Said Snape bluntly. "Let's go home."

"Ok." Said Captain Nemo. "I'll meet you at that really cool Mexican tourist attraction that's somewhere in America."

"If it's Mexican, why is it in the U.S.?" asked Minerva.

"You'll see. Just be there in two weeks, ok?" said Captain Nemo. "I'll drop you three off in California and you can find your way from there."

Then everyone got on the submarine and went to California. Dumbledore, Snape, and Minerva got off. So, armed with only a compass, a map of Poland, and a McDonald's Happy Meal, they set off to find the tourist attraction.

"Are we there yet?" asked Snape.

[MeatLoaf's Note: It took me a while, but I finally finished writing this chapter. The next one will be up soon….I hope. By the way, I think I'm actually going to write a disclaimer for this chapter!]

MeatLoaf's Magical Disclaimer of Demise y Muerto: Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall belong to JK Rowling, Vinny, Kida, and the King belong to Disney, the little kids with the clay marbles belong to Mingfong Ho, the 8th grader belongs to himself (he's a real person and he really does walk around wearing cool shirts and pretending he has an invisible cat!), The restaurant called "On the Border" belongs to some people, the song called "Duke of Earl" belongs to a group of people who sing (I forgot the name. I'll look it up sometime.) Captain Nemo, the Professor, Ned, Conseil, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, and The Mysterious Island belong to Jules Verne, and Hans and the Viking sheep belong to ME!!! DO YOU HEAR ME? THEY'RE MINE!!! The shirt belongs to some company. I'm not sure what it's called but I think it might be "Now and Zen".And last but not least, CPR belongs to doctors and nurses everywhere.


End file.
